Mothership Zeta – Little Green Dude’s Blowing Up? Fuck Yeah!

Another day, another Fallout 3 DLC. Point Lookout was a success through my eyes, so will Mothership Zeta just recently released be the same? Here’s a hint:

Yes.

For a fair price of 800 points, you can purchase the new DLC that becomes active immediately. Funny enough, it actually over-laps a existing location (Although, it is a secret location). From the center-north of the Wasteland, you’ll come across a crashed alien spaceship with a dead green-dude onboard, a energy weapon of alien descent, and a whack of ammo. However, when you buy Mothership Zeta, as soon as you approach the ship, you find yourself beamed up into a massive space-ship, where a bunch of bug-eyed assholes poke you with more needles then a drunk junkie. That’s when the DLC kicks off, and begins your trek to escape off the mothership.

Oh yes, it’s a DLC where you can’t go back to the Wasteland until you finish and escape the mothership, much like The Pitt. However, Mothership Zeta isn’t so much of a exploration-type of environment, Zeta is 90% action, with the remaining 10% containing puzzle-solving and a handful of secrets. There’s some side-story of other abducted Wastelander’s, but who cares about that… YOU GET TO SHOOT FUCKING ALIENS!! Oh, you’ve shot zombie’s, shot Nazi’s… But how many little green assholes have you blasted lately? None? Then there ya go. Obviously, you won’t find many conventional weapons, but Zeta will supply you with a handful of new energy weapons. While there isn’t a whole bunch of new weapons to find, the one’s you do get your hands on are devastating as all hell, and obviously are over-powered as hell as soon as you get back to lovely earth. Mothership Zeta isn’t horridly difficult, but during a few segments where you’ll face off against 1o-20 aliens at a time, you’ll find yourself sweating a bit. Naturally, various character types will find themselves at advantage in the Mothership of Laser-Beam-Buttrape; stealth character’s can sneak around to avoid most of the turret traps and taze-beat most of the little green dude’s. Science specialists can hack their way past most of the encounter’s and find extra cache’s of goodies to even the odds. and heavy-tanker’s can simply run-and-gun the shit out of everything. After liberating Mothership Zeta from its little green shitheads, you and your rescued Wastelander’s can use it as a secondary home, where often visiting back can get you more weapons and items at random times.

So, is Zeta worth your valuable (*Gag*) Microsoft points? Well, it does give you plenty of action for about two and a half hour’s worth of game time, (If you take time to explore and seek out goodies) and depending on what your level is, it’ll be a interesting jaunt, or a difficult blaster-master-fest to fit your needs. At the end of the day, I say it’s a very fine purchase for your Fallout 3 shenanagins, netting you some fine murderous prizes and a handful of levels. 800 points for about two and half hour’s worth of gameplay. Why not?

Because you can shoot fucking aliens.

Point Lookout – 800 Points, Points Well Spent?

I’m trying to figure out more ways to use the word ‘point’ in this review, hang on…

I’ll make a ‘Point’ to how nice this new DLC is! I’ll ‘Point’ you in the right direction on whether or not to buy this DLC! I’m ‘Pointing’ towards a positive judgement on this one!

I’ll stop before someone bleeding stabs me.

So, Bethesda has tossed us another DLC campaign for Fallout 3 for the forgiving price of 800 Xbox Live points. (A point well made!) For 800 Points, you’d think Bethesda gave us another semi-shallow gurgle of a campaign similar to Operation Anchorage, right? Not quite the case, I’ve come to deduce after spending my points on Point Lookout. Unlike the new Brotherhood of Broken Steel, Point Lookout becomes instantly active as soon as you download it. A location is opened up near the Arlington Library in the southern coast of the Wasteland map. A short pier is opened, where a ferry-boat is waiting to take you to the ‘fine’ land of Point Lookout, Maryland. After you gain a quest from a concerned mother and spend near 400 caps for the ferry-ticket, you flow from Washington into the bayou swamp’s with a healthy fog cast over a run-down amusement park… That’s where the peaceful moment ends, and when the creep-factor of ‘Holy Fuck’ begins.

Point Lookout is hillbilly capitol of the USA. I have to make that ‘Point’ quite clear right now. (A hurr hurr) Since it’s in the swamps, you’ll be naturally falling across creepy, disfigured psycho hicks and oddly powerful enemies… Yes, Point Lookout has a surprising bit of challenge to it. Not in the quests, but from the enemies themselves. While a competent Wastelander will have no problem fighting off Creeper’s and Tracker’s (Some of the deformed hillbilly enemies), you’ll be finding a run for your money when you encounter the new species of Mirelurk’s and small armies of insane Tribals. To counter the tougher enemies, the new cache of weapons you’ll come across will help even the odd’s, not to mention they’re fine additions to bring back to the Capital Wasteland… Where you’ll promptly take them upside people’s heads. Double barrel shotguns, lever rifle’s, poisonous shovels and a small slew of new aid items are waiting to be discovered, then used to murder people in a explosive fashion.

To add to it, there’s a new collection of quests for you to complete, with those (Fucking useless) achievements you’ve come to love, as well as a handful of perks to obtain; including one that, *Gasp*, is actually goddamn useful! With the entire creepy-as-shit Point Lookout package wrapped together, you’ll be getting about 2-4 hour’s of extra gameplay complete with new items to find, fairly challenging enemies, and clown masks. *Shudder* For 800 Points and 2-4 hour’s of gaming plus perks to strive for, I’d say it’s a definite buy… Just keep the lights on when you do.

New Job, New Aches.

Yup, I’m once again back in the working class of Edmontonian’s; thank goodness I’m not a pimp or a dumb-ass drug head.

I got myself a job over at the Mark’s Work Wear House right by my place. If you don’t know what MWWH is, it’s basically a clothing store, except most of the clothes are for the working class or industrial wear for oil rigs or the like. Many people would think working in a clothing store would be easy, right?

WRONG. For 90% of the shift, I’m on my feet running around for the most part, and since my legs are fucked up, it means by the first or second hour, I’m in serious pains. But this is why I’m a tough, level 23 dude. I made a RPG joke, so sue me. Not only am I level 23, I’m also a angry ass-hole, so having to often talk/help customer’s contrasts with me rather violently, but if it’s part of the job, be damned if I don’t deal with it. I’m making $10.50 an hour, which will go up depending on how long I work there. It’ll do; in two months from now, we’ll be moving to another location in the city, somewhere around the St. Albert area, which hopefully won’t be as ghetto, will have more places of employment, and, let’s not forget, less idiotic kids to be used for sniping target practice. Two months of difficult work and dealing with often smelly oil rig worker’s. Woo-Hoo! Hillbilly’s!

Christ. For now, I’m gonna stop typing and go get to work churning out more LP episodes, even though Audacity is a temperamental bitch. And again, only three of you all care.

Just Do It.

www.distortedview.com

Don’t ask questions. Just go.

The Good Ol’ Days Of Fighting.

I remember back when the internet still wasn’t a major phenomenon to reckon with, and when people fought, it was them face to face, or in many cases, fist to fist.

What happened to the good old days of fighting? Back when two people had a problem with each other, they got right up in their grills about it?

Maybe it’s just me getting old, but I often have to sit there and shake my head in disbelief when I join Skype calls or get messages on Youtube about how one person despises the other, or how one would love nothing more then to break someone’s neck… But they don’t. ‘Oh, it’s just the internet!’ Just the bloody internet? Have we LOST the ‘gentlemen’ way of arguing because we hide behind the security blanket of animosity thanks to the interwebs? People often think I’m nuts when I ask people I ‘heavily’ dislike to meet me in person so we can properly settle things… With a few broken noses here and there.

But this is how we handled things back when talking smack wasn’t on the internet, behind everyone’s backs! Back in town where I grew up, confrontations were a staple of the community, where talking behind someone’s back often meant things ended worse. For everyone. It was a time when stuff could easily become resolved with a good shouting match, or a few thrown punches… But the security of animosity seems to have made us think we’re all goddamn invincible, when in reality… All it takes is for someone to track your IP, then people you’ve been screwing with show up at your door, channel the spirit of Chuck Norris, then kick your teeth in so hard they get lodged in your brain. I often laugh when I see 8-year olds posting video’s talking such shit and generally thinking they’re the toughest thing ever since Steven Seagal on steroids (You mean he wasn’t before? SHIIII-)… But in reality, if you haul all the techno-crap out of the way and sit the kid in front of the person he’s trying to ‘diss’ (Christ, who uses the word diss anymore?), 90% he wouldn’t give a peep… That freakish 10% is if the kid is really damn stupid and does try to go on with his speech; the thing I said about teeth being within brain? Yeah.

Is there a point in any of this? Well, no, since this is a bloody rant. Pay attention, dammit. But the morale of my raving is a simple one; the internet doesn’t make you any cooler, smarter, or tougher. Look at me; I’m a loud-mouthed arsehole who loves nothing more then destroying stupid people. Didn’t need 4chan to tell me that. (That lovely website is subject to a future entry, anyway) If anything, the internet is a magnificent way to show how much of a cunt one can really be.

I’m looking at you, member’s of my Black List. But I digress. As long as people can hide behind some kind of persona, I suppose the term ‘internet tough guys’ is going to stay around for a while longer still… ‘Internet maggots’ sounds a bit more fitting to me anyway.

But that’s just me.

God. Dammit.

Getting a new job? Awesome. Getting a new job where there’s cute girls everywhere? Wicked! Getting a new job where there’s cute girls everywhere but I can’t flirt with them otherwise I get sued for sexual harassment? Fuck.

Oh-ho, it’s a wonderful thing. The rule goes that if  at any sign of any kind of sexual advancement, a employee can report to the employer on hand to report to them about being harassed. In other words… If I say one of the girls looks nice, they can report me, I get sued, lose my job, and go to jail. Well fuck me in the neck. If anything, I’m still putting away paper’s for 7 3/4 hour’s for $16 a hour, with raises in the future. I can withstand the sexual frustration, I suppose…

On a better note, though; for $16 a hour, working 5 days a week for almost 8 hour’s per shift, getting paid every 2 weeks… That gives me well over $1,200 per pay-check. Fuckin’ eh. At my old job back at Safeway, I’d have to work for 3 weeks  to make that much. I get $1,200 in one check. No, I’m not going to use this money for massive spending spree’s; this means neeeeeeeew hardware! I’ll hopefully come across better microphones, better camera’s, new software for the computer, new recording methods… *Innocent whistle* This’ll mean I’ll be able to bump up my quality somewhat, and make it not-so shitty. Don’t hold your breath, though. I doubt you’ll be seeing any major changes in my stuff for the next week or so, but I’ll put money on it that you’ll see some minor changes in the next month or two. (Like all two of you reading care >.>)

Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime – Cute, Fun, And Full Of Win

The Dragon Quest (Or Dragon Warrior, depending on where you live) series has always been well-loved in my books. The RPG classic was hard, entertaining, and its re-releases on the hand-held platforms have only become better and better, making it one of the finest RPG’s to grace our world, next to Final Fantasy… But, like anything that’s become successful, Dragon Quest has to try new things in order to appeal a greater audience, and usually, this ends in complete failure, and horrible games…

This time however, is not the case, I can say with a happy disposition.

Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime (DQH, for short) was released on the Nintendo DS quite a while ago, and I found my copy in a bargain bin for $20 at my local game store. I had remembered some good reviews to the game, so I threw caution to the wind and picked it up, and let me tell you, this is the finest $20 I’ve spent in a long time. DQH has you playing as Rocket, a Slime in the Dragon Quest universe who lives in a town full of other slime’s of various shapes, sizes, and species. Their town, Boingburg, is invaded by a evil organization known as the Plob, who capture every slime, destroy Boingburg, and leave but a wake of terror in their midst. Rocket is the only one who’s not captured, and sets out to rescue his friends, family, and restore his home. Now, this isn’t the greatest the best plot known to mankind, but it works. All little details get explained as you go, the game tells its story with simple cut-scene’s, and a easy to follow dialouge/script.

I know what you’re thinking; don’t even try and get a word in, because I know exactly what you’re going to say… It’s a kids game. The graphics are bright, colourful, and are quite easy on the eyes, even if they aren’t completely ground-breaking. Yes, the game is simple. Yes, the game can be downright cute to look at. Yes, the game is quite simple, and can be labeled as downright bloody easy… But stay with me, I’m getting somewhere with this.

As I said, the graphics are very pleasant, and don’t try to do anything ground-breaking. Small details are here and there, like ripples in water or smoke from explosions/fire’s, and as a whole the game just looks nice. Nothing too flashy or attention-grabbing can be found, but at least the colour’s, and variety to all the levels and enemies are a nice touch. It does look kiddy and cutesy, yes, and the music and sound-effects don’t help by also sounding very easy on the ears, but it all coming together just makes it just a pleasant game to look at and listen too; seeing grays and browns mixed in with charcoal-red blood in most dark and gritty games nowadays can get really tiring to look at after a while, dontcha think?

Now, on to the point of the game being labeled incredibly easy… Granted, I do agree that the game practically plays itself for 70% of the way, with the remaining 30% giving a little bit of resistance against you. However, even if the game is stupidly easy, it still doesn’t change the fact that it’s fun to play, using simple pick-up-and-play controls for general exploring, and only one attack move that’s used for numerous functions such as attacking, throwing items, hitting switches, etc. And even if you don’t enjoy the easy battles, you collectivists have a streak of luck; you’ll often get rewards for sending enemies back to town, collect items when you also send them back, as well as finding and gathering new materials to use as ammunition for your tank, or to use said materials to craft new ammunition types.

Oh, yes. I said there’s a tank. If you haven’t noticed the box-art, you can see that there’s a giant tank in the form of a Slime. A little into the game, and you obtain said tank to use in epic tank battles between you and a opponent from the Plob. The tank battles work as such; you (and a crew of three other slime’s) load ammo you’ve gained during the game which can be fired at the enemy, either with a high-arch cannon, or a straight cannon. Both cannon’s must be used effectively for both offensive and defensive moments, as having a piece of your ammo strike the enemy’s ammo causes them to negate each other, knocking them out of the air. Keeping this is mind, you have to attack and defend at proper times while trying to dwindle the enemy’s tank to no HP, where you can charge in and destroy the enemy tank’s engine, winning the battle. Likewise, having your tank’s engine destroyed means you lose. This can make for frantic and downright amazing gameplay, since you have to properly manage what ammo you fire, what order’s you give your crew, and repel any enemy attempts to sabotage your tank. While in most cases your crew mates will load the cannon as quick as they can, some crew mates have special order’s; some will defend the tank against invading enemies, heal wounded crew, repair the tank, or bring you ammo, just to name a few. This can make for even more potential strategy, as anytime during battle you can change what order’s they’ll follow. Now while the tank battles are just plain epic and so damn fun to play, there are quite a few problems with them. To start, the AI seems to hate you at every turn. Your crew will load ammo blindly, not caring about what is currently being fired to or fro, and often will waste valuable ammo that could cost you a lot of damage. Not to mention that when enemy’s invade your tank, your crew will hardly put up a fight unless you command them to defend, and even then they can hardly keep track of enemies, often forcing you to drop your plans just to clear out any baddies. Not to mention that your crew will more then often throw ammo into the cannon’s only to hit you, loading YOU into the cannon to be fired, which means you’re helpless until you hit something. These problems can really fuck you over later in the game when the tank battles become legitimately hard, forcing you to react and attack quickly, which will often cost you the match. Minus these issue’s though, the tank battles are still a blast (A hurr hurr, I made a pun) to play, as like I said, the battles get quite difficult later on, almost becoming downright fiendish with how difficult the enemy becomes.

Mixing all of these factor’s together, what’s our end result? A cute, charming game that while is extremely fun to play, it’s stupidly easy difficulty will turn off most of you ‘hardcore’ folks, but the incredibly epic tank battles could also turn you back on with its level of strategy and downright harshness. All in all, minus a few AI issue’s and sometimes repetitive levels, Dragon Quest Heroes: Rocket Slime is just a downright fun and casual game that even if it doesn’t test your skills, it’s still entertaining to pick up for a hour or so. You’ll be sure to have a good time with this one.

Technical Score – 7.8 Personnel Score – 8.3

Did I mention I picked it up for only $20, fresh off the shelf?

Sonic Unleashed – So Close, Yet So Little

My hopes were so high. They really, really were…

A while ago before I rented Sonic Unleashed, I had decided to watch some video’s on Youtube of gameplay to it, and for once in… Well, forever, I was generally interested in a Sonic the Hedgehog game. Granted, I did hear some negative things on, my mind was made up when I saw the daytime running stages to the game, ran out, rented a copy, rushed home, and threw it in my 360.

Boy, was I a bloody idiot. Where can I start on this disappointment… Oh! I can start with the positives (Don’t hold your breath for too long), such as how the graphics are pretty good for the most part. Environments look nice and fairly colourful, character’s are easy on the eyes and move about well, if not with a hint of a cartoony aspect to them, and overall, the game just looks good… Oh, let’s not forget the actual levels themselves, which are well constructed, have multiple paths to the same end location, and have secrets galore around every twist and turn. That, and the Daytime (Running) levels are bloody AMAZING. The Daytime levels are in a constant change between 3d and 2d, but it’s done in such a smooth way by a simple change in the camera angle, that you never really get so thrown off that your momentum is gone. The levels can feel quite short and end almost a little too early at times, but even so, the Daytime levels really grasp what a Sonic game should be; running from point A to point B, taking your own path there, while blazing through enemies, avoiding obstacles, and collecting so many rings that you’re more blinged out then every douche of a rapper these days. These levels alone make Sonic Unleashed just fun to play… And that’s where the positive notes end.

Most of the negatives to Sonic Unleashed I can forgive quite easily; for example, the villages and towns used as a hub between levels are just stupidly constructed. Sonic is quick to pick up speed, and you’re bound to crash into walls and objects non-stop, and often you have to walk your way around the towns. Sonic? Walking? Madness! But, I can let that one go. Second, the voice-acting makes me want to eat a child. If you listen to Chip’s voice-acting for at least 10 minutes, you’ll want to strangle yourself with a power cord. Most of the actor’s talk in such excited, uppity manner’s, that it seems like they all slugged back three Red Bull’s before they stepped behind the microphone. (I’m looking at YOU, Amy) But, the script is decent for the most part. Again, I can let that one pass… But what I can’t forgive is the Nighttime (Fighting) levels. There is no damn way I can over-look it.

Sonic Unleashed  hopped aboard the ‘Rip-Off-Other-Games-Gimmick’s’ train, and decided to take a page from God Of War, and turned the Nighttime levels into platforming and brawling. Sounds good in theory, but the first problem comes from the fact that Sonic as a WereHog is so. Damn. SLOW. Even with his sprint, the usual blue streak is turned into a chugging train of fur and fangs that goes nowhere fast. Problem number two comes from the fact that even though the fighting mechanic’s are ok, and many of the combo’s are quite cool and are downright painful to watch, the fighting is still just downright cheesy and moronic. The fighting just feels so tacked-on as you play, and for bigger enemies, you can do a finishing move on them by pressing a corresponding button when their health is low. Only issue with that is, is that often the time for you to press the button is just stupidly short, and if you mess up, that enemy regains ALL of its health. Every last bit. I’m not even going to explain why that’s so fucking wrong. Often I kept thinking to myself that they could’ve made another Daytime stage instead of this. Remember when I said WereHog Sonic is so slow? Also doesn’t help that the Nighttime stages are so damn long, and so damn tedious. I played through the first Nighttime level, and tried to blow through it as fast as I could, ignoring enemies when I could, and generally trying to speed-run. It still took me 11 minutes to beat the first Nighttime stage. Now, I could be fine with the length of the stages… If there was a way to pause, take a break, then come back to it. Once you start the stage, you HAVE to complete it all in one run, because if you stop, exit the stage, then go back, you start all the way from the beginning. From the very start. No questions asked.

The Nighttime stages were just not needed. Not in the slightest, were they needed. If they made every single level a Running one, this game would be fantastic. Or better yet, if they made the Nighttime stages optional, only playable if you wanted some extra rings or unlockables… But the fact that there’s a ratio of two Daytime to one Nighttime levels makes it a complete buzz-kill when you see Sonic turn into that godforsaken WereHog…

Everything works. The controls are fairly responsive, no noticeable glitches or bugs… But the presentation, the general fighting mechanic’s, and the over-all make of the game just destroys it. Long-time Sonic fans will more then likely have a good time with the game, not to mention if you’re into brawler’s… But for the rest of you, I can only call the game a rental, if just barely. It just fell short, while giving us a taste at what Sonic could really be…

Technical Score – 7.4 Personnel Score – 4.2 (Out of a possible 10)

Also, keep in mind I played the game for 10 hour’s, so I know the game pretty well. So you Sonic fanboy’s can go fuck yourself if you don’t like my view on it.

No More Heroes – No Failure, All Win

To enjoy a lot of video games these days, you often have to toss whatever grip on reality you have right out the window in order to truly en-gross yourself in the experience… But with a game like No More Heroes, you don’t toss your grip on reality aside; you instead load it into a cannon, pack 20 pounds of nitroglycerin in it, then fire it into the atmosphere where it’ll orbit the earth for a year, then come plummeting back down right into your head.

Yeah. It’s that weird. Suda51 once again reached into their bag of madness and pulled out another gem, this time for the Nintendo Wii called No More Heroes, a adventure/action/brawler/mind-trip. Suda51, of course, is more-(less)-known for it’s other gem of a game called Killer 7, which focused more on story and less on gameplay. No More Heroes however, focuses more on gameplay then on story… Except this time around, the story is not completely confusing and head-ache inducing. I can easily sum up the story of NMH (No More Heroes) like this: Major otaku Travis Touchdown, more well-known for his bachelor skills then being a anti-hero, has recently won a beam katana on a internet auction, and for whatever reason, has decided to throw his virgin backside into the lethal business of assassination, and is tasked with taking on the highest, most deadliest ranked assassin’s in the world, who coincidentally, all reside in or near Travis’ home of Santa Destroy. (Rather charming name, isn’t it? Real vacation idea, that is.)

That’s it. That’s the story; I could go into details, but that’d only bring up spoiler’s, and would naturally net me the prize of being hunted down by the internet’s biggest douche’s. Obviously, you take control of Travis equipped with his newly acquired beam katana, and it’s your job to help him cut, dice, and mow his way to fame, fortune, and potential boo-tay. (BESIDES hentai, ya perv.) The story sounds quite bland here, but once you get into the game and actually see how things play out, you’ll change your mind pretty quickly, since Travis’ snarky, I’m-Number-One attitude makes for some amusing scenes, especially during cut-scenes including bosses, where their back-and-forth banter often gives up a chuckle or two. To put it bluntly, Travis makes for a damn interesting character that you simply want to smack since he’s such a prick, but want to love him since he’s so amusing to listen to.

If you remember Killer 7’s anime/comic-book style of graphics, you’ll recognize the art-style in NMH pretty quickly, since it follows the same premise to all but a few extents. Namely, it does have that usual anime/comic-book flair to it, but this time around, they’ve done without the semi-blocky, dark design in Killer 7. Instead in NMH, colour’s are much more vivid and vibrant, even to the point of being incredibly sharp on the eyes; in the good way, though. I’ll put it this way: The graphics look effing good. Often times you’ll be fooled into thinking you’re watching some incredibly slick anime show, where the characters all look good, the environments are clean and easy on the eyes, and did I mention the characters look good? I did? Well I’m going to mention it again, dammit. All the models look and move great, with nice details here and there; like with Travis’ belts having ridges and waves in their design, zippers visible on his jacket, etc. Not to mention they sound good as well, even though some of the dialog does feel a little weak every now and then. While I felt more could be done with the script, cut-scenes play out well and get the point across with simple, but still awesome cut-scenes… Did I mention the game looks really damn good?

When I first saw the trailer’s and the like for NMH, the comments I were usually seeing where complaints of how their arms would grow tired from swinging the Wiimote around to attack non-stop like in LoZ: Twilight Princess. Turns out the Wiimote’s motion controls are only used for only a few times in the game; thrusting the remote and nunchuk when performing your wrestling moves on a stunned enemy, swirling the remote to repel a enemy who’s clashed with you, or using the motions in one of the many mini-game side-jobs you can perform to earn more money. In order to have Travis attack for the most part, you just use the ‘A’ button and ‘B’ trigger. That’s it. ‘A’ is used to slash your beam katana either high or low depending on how you hold the remote, and ‘B’ is used to use melee enemies who are guarding or blocking. While you do have a decent arsenal of other moves you can use, that is primarily the only two buttons you will ever press for the most of the game; ‘A’ and ‘B’. Now before you go running off to call the game utter shit, think back to when you played those old-school brawler’s or fighter’s in the arcade. What did you do then? Mash only a few certain buttons to make lot’s of pain come happen, right? In a way, having such simple controls makes the game a bit more enjoyable, because when you’re running around slicing dude’s into fleshy fountains of blood and money, I don’t think you want to memorize a 25 button combo. While the controls can feel a little sketchy at first, the game makes up for it by giving you a lock-on mechanic a-la Legend Of Zelda, where you can focus on only one enemy and beat the right crap out of him. Often times you have to go against a small army of enemies leading up into the number’s of 10-15, and so while you might not use your lock-on that often, it’s still nice to have that option if you’re a more precise kind of fighter. That, and it’s simple enough to point Travis at a enemy, hit ‘A’, and watch him fly along doing a painful combo just by tapping ‘A’ quickly. Let’s not forget the roulette, too; when you do a katana-finisher on a enemy, a small roulette will start spinning at the bottom of the screen, and depending on what three icons you get, means different events can happen. For example, you can turn completely invincible and move slowly like a tank, but all enemies are frozen in fear and can be killed in BRUTAL manner’s, or you can become lightning quick, able to attack rapidly without giving enemies a chance to think… While this makes for some awesome, and pretty amusing moments, the roulette wheel is quite retarded, since the only times you do manage to score a trio of matching icons, you’re near the end of the level already; don’t expect to hear “Strawberry On The Shortcake!” very often, because of that.

The only way to progress through levels (Or assassination mission’s, they’re called.) is to accumulate ridiculous amounts of money in and between levels. While a good amount of cash can be found in actual levels, you’ll need to gather the rest within Santa Destroy itself. Yup, you actually get to run around in a city similar to GTA, but unlike GTA, Santa Destroy is basically a main hub you use to travel around to locations in order to buy items or learn new abilities if you find the right items hidden around the city. You can go to the clothing store to buy new threads for Travis, the video store to buy new wrestling moves, the dojo to train up your stats, as well as the side-jobs where you use the Wii controls to perform somewhat mundane, but somewhat entertaining tasks. One side-job has you mow grass within a certain time limit, pick up trash around the city, dispose of dormant land-mines, and even getting rid of venomous scorpions. The motion controls keep these side-jobs from getting too boring, and there’s even a pretty good variation to the jobs, so you can always pick which one you want to play if you get bored of one. You can also do Assassination jobs, where you travel to a location and battle against a troupe of enemies. My only gripe with this is you get only ONE shred of health. Hit once, and you fail. Seriously. Seriously?

No More Heroes; a game I honestly think that while it won’t reach the cult-status Killer 7 has, NMH is still a damn fine, damn sexy, and damn fun game that demands your $60 if you’re a Wii owner. While the insane amount of violence, foul language, and often sexually tense scene’s is definitely NOT for younger gamers, it can often be funny and in some cases thought-provoking. While the controls can feel a little sketchy, the motion controls aren’t always guaranteed to work 100% of the time, and the Assassination jobs give you only one point of health, (I mean, honestly. Three hits? Sure, I can understand that, but screw up once and you’re done? No, nope, that ain’t good at all.) it’s still a slick, entertaining title that’ll bring you back every now and then to try the harder difficulties.

Technical Score – 8.1 Personal Score – 8.9 (Out of a possible 10)

Mother 3 – It’s Working!!

Fucking amazing.

Excuse the swear, but I finally have gotten Mother 3 up and running on my computer! It was quite simple, actually; finding the patch was no problem, but getting a hold of the ROM was a different bloody story… That was a search that could easily compare to the holy grail. But at long last, it’s up and running, and already on Chapter 3 in it. The game is amazing. I came; three times already.

Oh, and I’m NOT giving out the ROM no matter what. I like staying out of jail, thanks. Finding the patch is easy as hell if you go on Google, but besides that, you guys are on your own. =P